All the different parenting schools of thought (gentle parenting, attachment, etc.) tackle the age-old dilemma of how to get your kids to listen and follow your directions. Turns out, a simple language adjustment might be the key you need to turn a kid who defies into a kid who complies. Declarative language—using statements of fact instead of commands—can be the game changer you need to get out the door, get the homework done, and make your home more peaceful.
Declare, not command
We spend our lives as parents being the boss of our kids, telling them where to go, what to do, and when to do it. This type of communication “does not foster relationship development,” says Linda K. Murphy, author of Declarative Language Handbook: Using a Thoughtful Language Style to Help Kids With Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood and declarativelanguage.com. However, she says, “Declarative language shares information without placing demands. It may share information related to an observation, a memory, a plan, an idea, a feeling, or an opinion.”
Some examples of declarations that might lead your child to take action include:
Observation: The dog looks hungry. (Instead of, “Feed the dog.”)
Memory: I remember that you had a math test today. I’d love to hear how it went. (Instead of, “Tell me about your test.”)
Plan: It’s time to leave for school. (Instead of, “Get in the car” or “Go to the bus stop.”)
Idea: I think it would be fun to go to ride bikes right now. (Instead of, “Go outside and ride your bike for a bit.”)
Feeling: Your sister looks sad after being yelled at by you. She might want a hug or an apology. (Instead of, “Say you’re sorry.”)
Opinion: It is cold out today! Let’s get your coat so you stay warm. (Instead of “You need to wear your coat.”)
Declarations work better than commands for a few reasons. “There’s volition and ownership,” says parent coach and psychiatrist, Jess Beachkofsky. She says declarative language “can lead kids (or anyone, really) to make a choice or do a thing because they want to and not because they’re told to.” She says, unlike clear commands like, “Do this, NOW, or else,” which “can reflexively put people on the defensive, declarative language leaves an opening for collaboration and cooperation.” If kids know they can get it “wrong” and still have another chance for success, they’re more likely to try.
In addition to the open-endedness, declarative language takes the “blame” off of the parent, should the child not want to comply. Beachkofsky says to “Use (declarative language) as a teaching point for cause and effect.” Instead of a kid getting mad at their mom because she said, “Do your homework,” the “fault” is on an external force, such as time, when you turn it into a declarative sentence. For example, “I’m worried you may run out of time if you don’t start your homework soon.” The mom isn’t making the kid do homework for the sake of complying, the homework has to be done before the due date, bedtime, or dinnertime. Murphy says that since “declarative language is also the language we use to build connections and form relationships with others,” this communication style, “creates a positive learning environment that is empowering and connecting at the same time.”
Some simple language adjustments
Murphy says making the adjustment to declarative language starts with you noticing how often you command your child. Then, “try picking one context where you do not feel rushed and will have the time you need to try something different.” You’ll need to give yourself time to practice and get the phrasing right. Beachkofsky says, “It may feel like it’s really wishy-washy and takes more time than just saying, ‘get your bag and get in the car!’ but when you have the bandwidth to do so, take a deep breath and spend a few extra moments sharing what’s going on or offering to help with something that seems to be taking longer than usual.”
Before you speak to your child, think of whether or not it is an imperative sentence, such as something that has “you” or their name as the subject of the sentence, even if it’s implied. So, for example, you can say to your child, “You need to get dressed,” which has the subject of the sentence, “you,” but you can also say, “Go get dressed.” Here the subject of the sentence is still “you,” but it is implied. You don’t usually say, “You, go get dressed,” but you might say, “Billy, go get dressed.” This is an imperative sentence, and it’s a command, which means it’s less likely your child will want to follow the instruction.
Instead, modify the statement to be, “It’s time to get dressed.” Beachkofsky says kids may “catch on to what’s happening” and spring into action, but if they don’t, she suggests going back to the old toddler staple of giving choices instead of commands. In this example that might be, “Do you want to get dressed first or brush your teeth first?” or “Do you want to get dressed now or in five minutes?” She says, “Making observations and allowing kids to draw conclusions and plan ahead for the next steps really strengthens their executive functioning skills and helps with planning and organizing, too.” This type of training helps them become more independent in the future, without needing you to “nag” or command them.
Timing is everything
In comedy and parenting, timing is everything. A teaching term, “wait time,” can be applied to declarative language to make it more effective. Think of a teacher asking a class, “What is the moral of this story?” No one answers right away unless your classroom has a Hermione Granger present. An inexperienced teacher will jump in with suggestions, saying, “The moral might be to think before you speak.” An experienced teacher will let silence hang in the air, knowing that, eventually, someone will say something. This is because processing speeds differ when people get new information. The teacher knows the potential answer to the question, but the students didn’t even know they were going to be asked a question at all.
“We always want to make sure we are giving our learners the time they need to think and process the information we are presenting,” Murphy says. “If we jump in too soon with a prompt, question or or more language, we can make it harder.” Instead of supplying answers or more language, try to give the words time to sink in. “Even though it may feel awkward at first, it is really important to get comfortable with silence on the other side of a declarative statement,” she says.