by Gina Trapani
You're headed home next week to a turkey feast with all the trimmings - and Mom and Dad's computer. You know what's going to happen.
I keep getting these pop ups, he'll say. It's just been so slow lately, she'll say. I keep seeing this flashing picture of a roulette wheel that just won't go away. Can you take a look at it?
Fear not, my friend. The annual Family Computer Fixing event is upon us, and you are the emcee. Before you nobly trudge into helpdesk hell, here's a little checklist of ways to get your parents' creaky PC back in tip-top shape - at least, until next year.
Kill the spyware
Do yourself a favor: before you get on that plane or train or bus, burn a CD with the following programs and take it with you.
More are listed in Lifehacker's Spyware cleaners section, but this trio is a good start. When you arrive at your parents' computer, shut it down. Unplug the connection to the Internet. Start it up, and hit F8 during boot, then choose Safe Mode. Pop in your CD, install each program, and run a full system scan. This'll take awhile, so go eat some turkey and come back. Remove any suspicious or critical objects each cleaner finds. Then, reconnect the Internet cable and reboot normally.
Update Windows
Using Internet Explorer, visit windowsupdate.microsoft.com. Let it scan the machine and install any updates it lists (critical ones for sure - recommended at your discretion.) This process can take a long time, depending on the speed and age of the machine, so go fetch a few extra helpings of stuffing. When you come back, reboot as needed. Yes, it may be up to a dozen times. When given the option, turn on Automatic Updates.
While you're there, download Microsoft AntiSpyware, install and run it for another addition to your spyware cleaner arsenal.
Switch the system's default web browser to Firefox
Download Firefox. Install it, and import all of IE's preferences and bookmarks. (See previous Lifehacker feature Importing Bookmarks into Firefox for more info on how.) When Firefox asks if it should be the default web browser, click "Yes." Finally, remove the blue E from your parents' desktop. On newer versions of Windows (like XP), you can simple drag and drop the blue E into the Recycle Bin. In Windows 98 (yeah you know some of your parents still use it), in Control Panel choose Internet Options. On the Advanced Tab, uncheck "Show Internet Explorer on the Desktop."
To help your parents grok the transition from the blue E to the orange fox, rename Firefox's desktop shortcut to something more obvious, like "Internet - Mozilla Firefox."
Uninstall unneeded programs
In the Control Panel, open up the Add or Remove Programs applet. Get Mom or Dad to sit down next to you and review the list of programs. Anything they don't recognize or don't use - delete it. It should go without saying that any software whose title contains the words "bargain," "tracker," "snoop" or "monitor" should get removed immediately, and their authors basted for long painful hours over a very hot fire.
Then, do install the software your parents will need - like the Flash plugin for Firefox, Quicktime updates, Picasa for photos and maybe the latest version of iTunes. If you're feeling really ambitious get them set up with a Gmail account or using Thunderbird for e-mail. (I know, I know. But a girl can dream!)
Trim down the startup program list
From the Start menu, choose Run, type MSCONFIG, then hit Enter. In the Startup tab, run through and uncheck anything your parents don't need loading into memory automatically on boot. A bunch of these programs will be unidentifiable (though check out their file path for a hint), so when it doubt, keep it checked. If you're feeling really ambitious, use a utility like Startup Inspector to figure out what can get tossed and what can stay.
Install a firewall
If your parents' computer is connected directly to the Internet - especially if they just upgraded to broadband this year - be sure to get a firewall running on the machine. Why? you ask. Well, a portscan will give you the answer to that question. This helpful online port scan application (Java applet) will show you how many ports on the 'rents' PC are open to denial of service attacks or worse. Without a router acting as a firewall, a computer connected directly to a cable modem is exposed to the wilds of the Internet which runs rampant with infected PCs just waiting to spread their viruses and keylog your parents' credit card numbers. The free ZoneAlarm does just fine as a software firewall; alternatively, simply enable Microsoft's built-in firewall (in Control Panel, Windows Firewall).
Scan and defragment the hard drive
Run the built-in Windows ScanDisk and Defragmenter on the computer's hard drive to fix any errors and optimize disk access. Before you begin, shut down all applications which write to the disk. Disconnect the PC from the Internet, shut down ZoneAlarm, disable Task Scheduler and turn off the Windows screensaver. Then, open "My Computer" and right-click on the hard drive. In the "Tools" tab, press "Check Now" to run ScanDisk. When that's done, press "Defragment Now" to defrag.
Tip: start each of these processes before you go to bed and let them run all night. For slower machines with larger hard drives, these can take a long time.
Add a hard drive or PCI card
If your Dad's complaining about how he ran out of disk space after having the computer for a year or Mom wants a TV tuner so she can record Desperate Housewives each week, then go ahead and install a new hard drive or add a PCI card inside the machine. Then demand the Good Offspring Award, because after all that, you'll deserve it.
And that's that, you're done! Once again you've proved yourself the geek hero of the family. Now go help yourself to some leftovers.
Note: this article is an adaptation of an essay I wrote on my personal site last December entitled "How to fix Mom's computer," which is a little dated now. The computer I was fixing then was a Windows 98 machine - but the comments are chock full of helpful suggestions, many of which still apply.
Have you any good stories from the front lines of familial tech support? Any additional suggestions on cleaning up your parents' computer? Do tell in the comments, or send us a note to tips at lifehacker.com.
Gina Trapani is the editor of Lifehacker. Her special feature Geek to Live appears every Wednesday and Friday on Lifehacker.
Geek to Live will not appear next week, November 23rd and November 25th, but will return well-rested and plump as ever right after the tryptophan coma has worn off. Happy Thanksgiving!